Desperate Times

There's a million other things I should be doing besides blogging, but I need to release this or I'll explode. Please pray for me this week, I really need it.

I love reading Psalms. The writing is so painfully honest, so soul-searchingly real that it leaves me breathless at the writer's ability to bare himself so openly. When I struggle to find words for my emotions and thoughts, I am able to borrow David's words into my own prayers.

Today I think I finally understand how David felt when he keeps writing about how "evils encompassed me beyond number, my iniquities have overtaken me, and I cannot see; they are more than the hairs of my head; my heart fails me." (Psalms 40:12) Coming back to school today after missing 1 1/2 days due to the flu, I got bombarded by news from fellow teachers and the principals that students in my class had gotten into serious trouble. Without going into detail, most of today was spent in long, serious discussions on how my partner teacher and I had dropped the ball on this and how to rectify the situation. On top of this, the administration has been getting on all the teachers on the lack of progress many of the struggling students are exhibiting. Tomorrow my partner and I will be making our case to the principal and I am pretty scared.

Later today, I find that when I was gone, a couple students had ended up stealing sticker sheets from my desk that I use as rewards, and had to address that issue at the end of the day. By the end of the day to say I was discouraged would be the understatement of the century.

What does God want me to learn through this situation? How do I still glorify Him in the midst of all this crap?

This is where Psalms straight up inspires me. "Burnt offering and sin offering you have not required... I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart... your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!" (Psalms 40:8/11)

My joy and delight must be in doing the work of the Lord. This comes in remembering my purpose in teaching the kids. This involves teaching them academically, but also how to be better people. Just like how parents must feel like pulling out their hair in disciplining their kids, I must persevere and continue to love my students in their times of failure.

As I remember God's faithfulness and continual presence in my life, that will continue to keep my hope even in this dark time. Thank you God for your timely Word, but more than just being a neat intellectual exercise, I pray that this will be a nugget of truth that takes root in my heart.

Prayer Reqs:
1) A heart that revels in God's presence. Not letting circumstances dictate my faith.
2) HMCC Austin students. Pray that they are anticipating something amazing to happen at the retreat this weekend.
3) My students. They will gain a greater heart for learning and I have wisdom/ patience in working with them.

AHHH!!

Ha. I'm noticing my coping mechanism for stress. Conscious obliviousness. All during training the past 2 weeks, I was so surprised at how calm and unworried I was at school starting. Even during Open House, where I met most of the students for the first time with their parents, I was pretty chill. However, the moment the weekend started, I started getting the nerves. Saturday was a full day of OCR, and trust me, I really wanted to be out there meeting new students, but my lesson plans for the week were still incomplete, many of my structures and guidelines: unmade. Pretty much, I needed to spend a good half day working.

It's funny how God always tests our resolves with things that are never a clear "Good decision/ Bad decision". On one hand, I could be justified with taking the day to work, but my main commitment for coming down to Austin was to serve the church. In the end, I believe that trumps my work responsibilities. It is now 11pm and I just got back and I am so scared of crashing and burning tomorrow. If you read this, I really covet your prayers. I'm planning on waking up at 5, drive over to work and try to finalize the final details of the day.

Why am I blogging if I need to work? Because my mind is roiling and I couldn't sleep. This is actually incredibly cathartic for me. =P

On a side note, I'm really excited for the new year for our church... please pray that the froshies that are getting connected end up experiencing Christ's love tangibly and commit to stay. This batch has something special about them... or maybe it's just my delirium. Anyways, good night.