Fear

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

picture from http://crossedfingers.wordpress.com/tag/department-of-health/

As a kid and even to this day, I have a strong dislike for vampires.  I try to make light of it by joking about it, but my first memory was seeing parts of Bram Stoker's Dracula and I had never been so creeped out or horrified at anything in my entire life.  In my head I couldn't get past the idea that this monster could transform into any animal and then hypnotize the victim.  With every other famous monster they had weaknesses, but other than (seemingly) weak protective devices like garlic and crosses, vampires were freakin impossible to stop.  In one of my recurring childhood nightmares, I was trapped in my house with a bunch of friends as we tried to hold off an assault by a horde of vampires.  Inevitably each of my friends would get picked off one at a time, many times with them being lured in by the hypnotizing power of the vampires.  (bastards!)  My only hope was always to try and survive until daybreak where the vampires would be forced to retreat.  Alas, every dream always came down to my newly-turned friends chasing me down as I'm running in slow motion until at the last second I would be knocked down. I would wake up a split second before becoming devoured.

More than the dream itself, the scariest moments would be the time immediately after I woke up.  In that half-sleep-half- awake haziness, my body would be frozen in terror.  My body would be sweating, muscles tense, eyes wide and darting around the room looking for irregularities.  I would sometimes lay still, trying to convince myself vampires didn't exist but pretending I was dead in case one was in my room.  Hundreds of thoughts would race through my brain as I tried to convince myself that it was only a dream and I had to get past that fear and try to go back to sleep.  Try as I might, it would usually be a long time before I could find the courage (or be too tired) and drift off into sleep.

As as adult, I have learned to deal with many of those "irrational" fears, but other equally pervasive fears still find ways to come into my life.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc etc... I could list all the big fears that many of us face, but my purpose isn't in venting or airing these things out.  Something I have recently realized is that for me, fear triggers a freeze reaction in me.  I'm not talking about the physical freezing like standing in place when someone jumps out and scares me, but it's in how I react to when I go through stressful situations or times where I feel like I have no control.

It took a trying December month to realize that my mind's primary defense mechanism to fear or uncertainty is to freeze and shut down.  This had always worked in the past with minimal repercussions.  I mean seriously... cutting off my emotions and ignoring the time when a girl I liked in high school made me wait so she could see if a guy she liked was going to ask her out didn't end up hurting anyone else but me.  But the simple act of cocooning the hurt and exiling those emotions and thoughts set a dangerous precedent. 

By consciously burying the problem, I put the control into my own hands.  Sometimes things work themselves out and I pat myself on the back thinking I did well.  Other times those hurts and unresolved things lay buried in the sand.  Rotting.  Until honestly forget that I had buried it there in the first place; that is, until I run across a similar situation and then my fear gets compounded.

I was interested in reading about the whole fight or flight response and this really stood out to me.  In talking about how some animals freeze as a natural instinct,

"The animal, having escaped from the threat, shakes the experience off, and goes on as if nothing ever happened. The human species, however, tends to hold onto the stress. We don’t shake it off and go on. Jonathan Tripodi in The Habit to Freeze explains that we “humans have the ability to remain in a protective state long after the overwhelming event has passed. While the freeze response remains active, relaxation and self-healing are prevented.”  

The longer we remain in this state the easier it is to return to it. Any stimuli we experience similar to the initial event will trigger another relapse. “Eventually the body can no longer adapt and symptoms develop. Common signs of the freeze response are anxiety, chronic muscle tension, pain, poor alignment, grinding of teeth, mood swings, depression, digestive and elimination problems, high blood pressure, fatigue, and low libido.”

Hmmm, last couple weeks let's take a look: anxiety (check!), mood swings (check!), depression (check!), fatigue (double check!), low libido (ummm no?)

Physical ailments aside, I've realized the spiritual toll that takes place when I don't come to terms with these fears.  Subconsciously I felt guilty, which manifested in finding excuses for not spending time with God.  Prayer became a chore, which ultimately got shorter and less energizing.  I got snappy and irritable a lot easier and pretty much let my flesh take control.

What is the ultimate realization?  NOT dealing with things is just as detrimental as trying to take control situations. By brushing aside the circumstance, we circumvent what God is trying to teach us in the name of our own comfort. 

Something our life group is trying to do this break is memorize scripture (gasp!).  A couple of the verses really stood out to me in reorienting my perspective.

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9


"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31

AHHH!!

Ha. I'm noticing my coping mechanism for stress. Conscious obliviousness. All during training the past 2 weeks, I was so surprised at how calm and unworried I was at school starting. Even during Open House, where I met most of the students for the first time with their parents, I was pretty chill. However, the moment the weekend started, I started getting the nerves. Saturday was a full day of OCR, and trust me, I really wanted to be out there meeting new students, but my lesson plans for the week were still incomplete, many of my structures and guidelines: unmade. Pretty much, I needed to spend a good half day working.

It's funny how God always tests our resolves with things that are never a clear "Good decision/ Bad decision". On one hand, I could be justified with taking the day to work, but my main commitment for coming down to Austin was to serve the church. In the end, I believe that trumps my work responsibilities. It is now 11pm and I just got back and I am so scared of crashing and burning tomorrow. If you read this, I really covet your prayers. I'm planning on waking up at 5, drive over to work and try to finalize the final details of the day.

Why am I blogging if I need to work? Because my mind is roiling and I couldn't sleep. This is actually incredibly cathartic for me. =P

On a side note, I'm really excited for the new year for our church... please pray that the froshies that are getting connected end up experiencing Christ's love tangibly and commit to stay. This batch has something special about them... or maybe it's just my delirium. Anyways, good night.