When I was still in undergrad, I always wondered what it would be like to be working. What kind of things would I be focused on? Would I end up working at a place just because I wanted bi-weekly paychecks? Will I be motivated every day to continue learning and getting better?
It's so funny how old questions always resurface and you're able to do some real evaluations on how some of your expectations were totally off; or right on the money. One of my biggest worries when I started the teaching program @ EMU was whether I would be a teacher who just does the bare minimum to get by and get paid or if I would be genuinely invested in the students' well-being.
As of now, I think I am a bit relieved to see that I definitely do care about seeing my kids grow and learn, although I am starting to become a little alarmed at how much my thoughts always drift back to them. Pretty much every week I'll have at least one dream where I'm trying new teaching strategies with my kids, and even more recently, I find that when I start zoning out, I'll randomly start brainstorming ways to motivate a particular kid that I've been having problems with that day.
In moderation, I definitely see how this can be a healthy desire to help my students, but I think I'm walking closer and closer to that fine line between that appropriate self-reflection and obsession. What is my motivation for all this? Are there hidden agendas? I dunno right now.
But all I know is that I am so thankful that I don't have to go through these draining experiences by myself. During the day when I feel helpless, I find that when I lift up a quick prayer I get re-energized. I remember once again why I'm teaching, why I'm here in Austin, and why I'm still alive.
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