I think after 26 years of living with myself, I'm finally starting to understand certain things about my psyche. One of those things is my intense fear of failure. Whether it's failing people, or failing to accomplish a goal, not living up to my built-up expectations really crushes me.
So yesterday I really wanted to bless the church during our early Labor Day BBQ. Long story short, it didn't turn out that well. Things were just so crazy and I had to end the night spending an extra hour on the road to take care of something that I had a lot of time to really analyze WHY the failure really affected me so much. (I get into a quiet funk)
Self Analysis:
1) The Good Intention: I have been so overwhelmed with God's grace in my life in the past couple weeks that I really wanted to share some of that with the BBQ. When I wasn't able to accomplish that, I felt like it was such a missed opportunity for the newcomers and I felt like I let down the church.
2) Need for Validation: Everyone has this part in them. Some people just have a greater need for it in their lives. For me? Unfortunately it is something I struggle with at times. Which is funny, because I always feel uncomfortable giving and receiving validation/ affirmation to people. I have to consciously make an effort to do it. =P
3) Embarrassment: Man, I really hate this feeling. The glaring indication that I still operate with this fear is when I was too scared to announce when the food was finally finished cooking. If I still wanted people to be blessed, I would have just sucked it up and let people know there was more.
Ugh. Much to work on.
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